Isvarapranidhana

I have been thinking a lot about what we put our energy toward and how attached we are to the outcome.  In yoga there is this idea of acting for the sake of acting, for the longest time I thought it was so stupid because I thought it meant we should have no passion or goals or desires, but as I began studying more of the yogic texts I finally realized what it really meant. We are to let go of the outcome of our actions, but not let go of the desire to act.  T.K.V. Desikachar puts this beautifully in The Heart of Yoga he writes "paying more attention to the spirit in which we act and looking less to the results our actions may bring us--this is the meaning of Isvarapranidhana in kriya yoga."  Desikachar gives the definition of Isvarapranidhana as "the yielding of all action to God, the renunciation of the desire for the fruits for all action." It wasn't until I was talking to my husband today that this idea came back to me.
This past month my husband and I have been fasting from TV and video games, at first it was just fine, but about 2 weeks in I started to get really irritated and frustrated by it, mostly because I had more time to think about my life and what I am doing with it.  I had the realization that I have been putting a lot of energy into things that were pointless. I would sometimes surf on the internet for hours looking at things I couldn't afford all the while neglecting what I already had. I also noticed how much effort I would spend thinking about the outcome of different situations or actions, even though I had no control over what would actually happen. I have basically been driving myself nuts for the past few years. Only after cutting out these distractions was I able to see that I needed to let go of the results and not only look at how I was trying to get those results, but also learn to appreciate the path I was taking to get what I wanted.
The other day my husband pointed out to me how I seemed to be jumping from one thing to the next without even completing what I had started, I didn't really want to hear that, but it's true.  As a result of that conversation, and a few books I have been reading, I have began leaning heavily into God. Asking Him  for help and guidance while also trying to let go of what I am asking for.  Doing this has given me the opportunity to really experience what is at hand rather than worrying about what might happen in the future.  It is amazing how relaxed I have been the over the last week. I hadn't  realized how much I worried about everything in my life until I was able to let go.  There have been some pretty tough situations in which I have noticed myself getting all revved up and I can honestly say that it is such a relief to take a deep breath and let go.
I think I should also let you know that the more I have leaned on God the more my life seems to fall into place, I am not talking about big things here, just my day to day life. Everything seems to work out just the way it is supposed to.  Since I have been focusing on this a lot lately I have noticed how much myself and others put so much energy into the results our actions will bring, all the while missing out on this whole beautiful flow of life happening around us.  How often do we get so focused on one small little thing we are trying to accomplish that  we are unable to appreciate the process we are going through. How many nuggets of wisdom do we miss in life because we have all our energy focused on completing the task? There is so much more to learn in our actions, so much more to gain on the path than there is at the destination. As Americans we can get very caught up in the idea of deserving something, we think we are "owed" things. Why though? Can we really know why everything that happens happens? Are we able to see the future or understand how every decision we make affects the people around us or even ourselves? I know for myself how angry and frustrated I get when things don't go the way I thought they would, but in this process of relying on God I have found how silly my anger often is. So many times what I have perceived as a problem has actually been a blessing.  It is SO HARD  to let go of the results of our actions, but it is SO MUCH HARDER to hold onto  them. 

meditation

         My eyes are closed
                                 
                                           I turn my gaze inward
           
                    I see...darkness

  My leg starts to itch                
                                    I shift my weight

I hear a car passing by
       
          I peak out the window
   
                                                                        Its no one

I close my eyes again
 
                                            Gaze inward...again

           "What am I doing?"

                          "No...be quiet"

"What time is it?"

                                   "What am I going to teach today?"

                                                                   another car...I open my eyes, but I don't look

                      I close my eyes

                                                       Silence        
Silence  
                                       Silence

Darkness welcomes me, envelopes  me

                            Silence
                                                                           Silence
                                                   Silence
 
                                                                         The world begins to open up...trees...gardens

                                        Silence
                                                                                                    Silence
                                                                         Silence

                 Relax into some soft warm grass

Warm Sun on my skin
                                           
                                                             My apartment has vanished into another space

                               another time

                                                           Silence
        Silence
                                       Silence

                     I reach deeper

Woods appear the sweet smell of moss and damp forest surround me

                                                                     Silence
                                                                                                Silence
                                                   Silence

          There my dear friend awaits me
                             
                                                                   Welcomes me and sits with me

                         Silence
                                                          My meditation
                                                Silence
               Is my prayer            
                                     
                                                                         Silence
                                             Is my healer

                                                                                         

Body Image

I am 25 and I have only been slightly overweight one time in my life, right after puberty. Being 25 I haven't had much time to fluctuate, I also work out and eat organic homemade food, but those things mean nothing after you have had a baby.  At first I couldn't believe how skinny I looked, which is really not hard after having a baby in you belly then no baby, but then that disbelief wore off and I started to notice the stretch marks. I mean gaining weight is one thing at least you have the opportunity to work it off, but stretch marks? No you are stuck with those the rest of your life and I am not talking about a few here or there, they are everywhere! This was my first pregnancy and I can tell you that I was not quite prepared for the aftermath. I have a tattoo on my side and one down by my hipbone, I was prepared to sacrifice those, I was prepared to wear long shirts and in the summer wear tankini. I did not get stretch marks on my belly though, I got them on my thighs and my boobs, yes my boobs. Nobody had ever even told me that you could get stretch marks on your boobs, but there they were, bold red cracks running across my boobs. Stretch marks isn't even a good word for them they honestly look like tears, small little red canyons all over your body.  Of course the color fades and eventually they are pretty hard to see, but by the time they had faded, I really began to notice my lack of weight loss. I got down to a certain weight and here I sit.  I work out I eat healthy, I watch what I eat, but it doesn't seem to matter my weight stubbornly persists.  These things have slowly wore me down and now I look in the mirror and ashamed at what I see. My clothes barely fit and I have bought mostly new ones anyways because I couldn't keep wearing the same 3 outfits that actually fit.  I want to cry and sometimes do. I am happy I had my sweet little boy and I am happy to have sacrificed what I did, but that doesn't make me like the way I look.  I know in my head that I am being ridiculous, my weight isn't at a dangerous level it really is merely my idea of who I was and  how I should look that is the problem.  I try to give myself pep talks and meditate on letting go, but it just keeps coming back to the same thing, I am overweight and I hate the way I look.  As most women, and I know men too, know this is not an easy thing to remedy. We are fighting a whole culture of expectations about what women "should" look like.  I would like to say that this is no big deal to me that I am somehow above this, but I am not. I am right there with everyone else thinking" I should like that women" or "I used to look like that girl." I am not able to love myself for who I am right now. I think this is why I cannot lose the weight because this is an important lesson to learn. If I cannot love myself in my imperfections then how can I love others in theirs? How am I supposed to support and care for those around me when I will be judging them with the same standards I judge myself.  If I think overweight, but still very healthy is a problem then I am going to project that onto everyone else. I think that if I was able to truly love who I am right now in this moment whether it be about my weight, my success, my anger, my mistakes, or whatever I am lacking at the moment,  that the weight would slowly but surely melt away. Even if it didn't at least I would be happy with who I AM.


We must forgive ourselves for being human. We must forgive ourselves for being imperfect. Because when we judge ourselves we automatically judge others. And what we do to others, we also do to ourselves. The world is a mirror of our internal selves. When we can accept ourselves, and forgive ourselves, we automatically accept and forgive others.
-Debbie Ford, Dark Side of the Light Chasers