the death grip

I almost died giving birth to my baby. I was probably the least likeliest candidate to have a complication and everything seemed to have gone extremely well. I had my son in about 4 hours and 3 pushes, pretty great for a first timer. After everything seemed to be over the doctor seemed to be taking a while "finishing up," I wont go into the details of what that means, for those of you who haven't had a baby yet, but things had apparently, not gone as well as it had looked from the outside. My cervix had torn and that organ, much like the tongue, has a lot of blood vessels so when it gets torn you start losing a lot of blood very quickly and it is very dangerous.  At first my Doctor didn't say anything, but then she started asking for towels and she calmly explained to me what had happened.  I didn't understand what a big deal this was until she started yelling at the nurses who weren't moving fast enough and then there was a huge rush of people and the atmosphere in the room began to change.  I hadn't had any medication yet and defiantly hadn't had an epidural, so they were going to have to put me completely under, I remember my son was on that table with the heated lights over him and he was still crying as they were moving me to another room to do surgery. I wanted to hold him and tell him he was ok, but I could not, I asked Byron if he was staying with Asher because I didn't want him left without his parents. I was shaking and still losing blood. In the surgery room they kept asking me if I understood what was happening, I must have not been as coherent as I thought because they all seemed to think I didn't know what was happening. They wanted to me to sign a consent form for the surgery, after they had literally strapped me to a table, finally a very sweet nurse grabbed the form and said she was taking it my husband to sign. I remember the anesthesiologist leaning over very close to my face to tell me what he was going to to, he talked to me as you would to a small child who wasn't feeling well, I remember thinking how nice he was. I asked my Doctor if it was ok that I felt very light headed and she said it was just from all the blood I was losing. I don't remember very well, I think I may have passed out before they even put me under, but I do remember my last thought was that I may never wake up again.  
No one else knew what was happening, but when my mom. my mother and father-in-law came into the room they knew something was not right, I was not there, but there was also lots of blood. This really freaked my mom out and I don't think my mother-in-law was doing much better. Byron, of course, sure and steady, knew I would be fine.  I was fine and am fine, as I am writing this right now, however I still have not been able to fully process through this experience. The thing is that I faced death in that moment. I am not saying like oh anyone could die at any moment sort of thing or that anyone doing surgery is put at a risk. I literally knew in that moment right before I was put under that I may never see the world again, my eyes were closed and there was only darkness, I could not hear what was happening around me anymore, there was nothing and I thought this might be the end. Blackness.  I had no emotion to go along with that thought it was just what I thought, something that seemed logical. Everything had happened so quickly that I really didn't have time for it to be scary. I didn't think it was that traumatic. I thought my parents were over reacting when they told everyone I almost died. The thing is though that I was just too scared to hear people say that to me. I could not bare to think that I almost lost my son before I even had a chance to know him and this feeling only gets worse as time goes on because I only love my son more and more and the fear of losing him and not being there for him gets worse.  I had a hard pregnancy and I am defiantly not ready to have another baby yet, but when I think about getting pregnant again, there is always a small little whisper in the back of my head. This little shadow that tells me I might die. I am scared to go through childbirth again, I am scared that I might die. That is what I think about, leaving this world behind and being engulfed by darkness.