Bands from high school

 I used to listen to this band when I was in High School, especially during my senior year. At the time I was doing pretty bad, I was depressed again and in a very unhealthy relationship. Although this was my favorite band at the time I eventually had to stop listening to it because I found it so negative, it only reminded me of all the nights I spent crying on the phone with my ex-boyfriend and how awful I felt at that time in my life. The farther I got away from my senior year the less I could listen to this band. I would try to listen to one album then another and every time I would end up turning it off thinking, "How could I ever have idolized this band so much?"   I know up to this point I may have sounded like some poor sad hippy, which I kind of am, but I am also a bit of a bad ass, some may even say bitch and that part of me was pretty much running the show for a while. So part of my finding "peace" was not just balancing out my depression, but my anger as well.  So back to the music, I recently decided to try and listen to this band again, thinking that if I found them just as depressing and whiny I would turn it off, however, to my surprise I found it completely uplifting.  I couldn't understand why I had ever found this band depressing. I felt like I had never actually listened to this band before, like my hearing had been all wrong.  I realize now that it was not the band, but me that was the problem. I saw the world as depressing, overwhelming and out of my control, so that is how I heard my favorite band. Now I see the world as exciting and beautiful, I think we are all working together for each other, even when we are angry or hate each other, we are all teachers and we are all student's.  So when I listen to this band now all I hear are the good lines and the uplifting tempo, I realize now the only problem was my view of life. If I think life is beautiful and precious then my experiences will reflect that, If I see the world as sad and angry then sadness and anger are constantly going to be reflected back at me. No matter what is happening around me I will experience it through my own lens, whether that is good or bad is up to me.

Somalia

When I got in my car after work the radio was playing WPR's Here On Earth, I don't really like Jean Feraca, but sometimes I like her guest's so I will listen to the show anyways. Tonight was about the world food program, but they were specifically talking about what was happening in Somalia right now. Ms Feraca's guest, Bettina Luescher, was speaking about how the famine could have been prevented Ms Lueshcer started speaking about how women were having to walk long distances carrying their children and many of the children died. Since having my baby I can break into tears at a moments notice, but especially when it comes to children. My heart was breaking as I was listening to her speak, these images I had seen on the internet were popping into my mind, I was getting so upset just thinking of these women and children. I can't imagine holding my baby in my arms and knowing that there was good chance my child would die before I could get help and there was nothing I could do about it. This is wrong. There is no reason in today's world this should be happening.  Ms Feraca echoed this sort of frustration and mentioned a game that a guy named John Breen created and donated to the world food program, the game is a series of questions and the more you get right the more rice is donated. This game has fed million's of people, that is crazy! This means that millions of people got rice who may not have because of one person.  It made me wonder what would happen in the world if we all were able to step into our full potential and offer our gifts to the world. Marianne Williamson says in A Return to Love "It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God, your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. You were born to manifest the glory of God that is within you."  Reading this quote feels nice, it makes one get excited and think how great we all are, but to actually live out of this quote is completely different. We run into fear, shame, guilt, discomfort, basically things that we don't like and we shrink right back into our own shadows. Why though? Why when we are capable of such greatness do we hind behind masks? How could we let such small things stand in the way of every amazing thing we could accomplish if only we were willing to stand in our brilliance.

as we are so is the universe

When I was in 8th grade or somewhere around that time, I started to feel rather overwhelmed with life. I had nothing to feel overwhelmed about, everything in my life was generally fine, however I found myself coming home from school crawling into bed and crying for what seemed to be no reason at all. This was the first time I remember feeling this way, but this state of being would continue to come and go for many more years. I was depressed and not like oh a boy doesn't like me or I have no friends or I hate school, I mean I felt as if my soul had left me and I was the walking dead. I couldn't take this feeling very long before I talked to my parents. They sent me to a counselor and I decided to go on some medication, with the counselor understanding this was to be a stepping stone not a way of life. After about 3 months I decided to go off the medication and never went on it again.  However, I continued to have bouts of depression and get out of control with my anger till just recently.  I just wanted to be happy or experience some general peace in my life. To achieve this I thought I needed to have more control of myself or change who I was because I had come to believe that there were parts of me that needed to simply be removed. I believed there were things so wrong with me that peace would only come when I had completely disowned the parts of me that were causing me pain.  After years of disappointing myself and those around me I have finally realized that what I needed was to be honest with myself. I wanted to find someone or something else inside of me, I thought I could change myself enough to get to the places I wanted. Really, though, I needed to see myself for who I really was and accept not change who I was. As Debbie Ford says in Dark Side of The Light Chasers " Each aspect within us needs understanding and compassion. If we are unwilling to give it to ourselves how can we expect the world to give it to us? As we are, so is the universe."

Buddha

There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.
Buddha